It’s Coeliac Awareness Week 2018 and to kick it off I decided to make a list of 20+ things I’ve heard as a gluten free person. These things have been said to me over the past 4 and a half years of being gluten intolerant and some of them are pretty funny. Some of them are outright stupid too. So I thought I would share. If you’re not aware how I became gluten intolerant then please check out one of my previous articles. Here we go:
“You can’t eat bread? I don’t know how you live!”
That’s right, I can’t eat regular bread and look! I’m still alive. If I ate the regular bread I would explode into a thousand pieces so you don’t want to see that. They have something called gluten free bread now would you believe! Thankfully the gluten free bread is getting better and doesn’t taste as much like cardboard. My favourite product at the moment is the BFree baguettes. Delicious.
“Can you eat pasta?”
Regular pasta no, gluten free pasta yes! It tastes the exact same people! Even husband eats it.
“You can’t eat pizza, that’s sad.”
Sad for you because you think I can’t eat pizza. Of course, I can eat pizza, gluten free pizza! They have that too. The best gluten free pizza is in Italy. I had so many of them when I visited Rome last year.
“Can you eat cheese?”
Yes. I love cheese. The more cheese the better. Please don’t take it away from me. Brie is the best, Wensleydale comes in second. However, with my regular IBS I’ve found Mexican spicy cheese is a big no-no.
“Are you actually gluten intolerant, or are you on the gluten free diet to lose weight?”
I’m actually gluten intolerant. Surprise! Didn’t see that one coming, did you? I didn’t know of the gluten free diet before I needed to go on it. I don’t know how anyone could put themselves through it if they didn’t really need to. Adapting to the gluten free way of eating took me a long time to get used to. If I didn’t have to do it, I wouldn’t.
“I saw this gluten free thing and thought of you!”
Well thank you! I appreciate that. I really do, I’m not being sarcastic here. I love it when my friends and family see things in shops that I can eat and think of me. It is so lovely when they find something you haven’t and they tell you where it is and it results in you finding something incredible! Please keep telling me when you see gluten free stuff. I love it!
“We don’t do gluten free.”
You don’t? What type of a restaurant doesn’t cater for gluten free? Are you idiots? Sure hold on here and I’ll just eat my nails. EVERY RESTAURANT SHOULD CATER FOR FOOD INTOLERANCE’S NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE!
“We can make you an omelette instead.”
That’s great that you can, but I would really like something from the actual menu. I can make omelettes at home for half the price, thanks.
“What happens if you eat something with gluten?”
Have you ever heard of Mount Vesuvius? That.
“I’m gluten intolerant too, I just take a tablet for that.”
Right this one needs explained. An American dude said this to me in Rome on a day trip to Pompeii. I had eaten a chicken salad while he had gorged on a regular, tasty looking pizza. When he asked why I was having an ice cream dessert, I told him I was gluten intolerant, and starving because the salad hadn’t been enough. The above phrase is what he said to me.
Excuse me sir but what magical pill is taking away your food intolerance and where can I get it? If it’s on the Black Market I may just buy it. All the gluten intolerant people I follow haven’t heard of it so you must have gotten it on the black market. Piss off mate, you do not have a tablet for that! And even if there was a miracle tablet out there, I still wouldn’t risk it by eating a regular pizza.
“Is milk okay?”
Milk is fine by me, just like cheese. Keep it coming.
“That gluten free food is expensive, I wouldn’t buy it.”
Then it’s a good thing you don’t have to because yes, it is pricier than normal food. My weekly food bill is outrageous. Oh and don’t ask me why it is more expensive than regular food, I don’t know. I’m not a marketing/food guru.
“Eating a little bit won’t hurt.”
Really? Are you sure? Let’s test that theory, how about you drink a little acid and see if that hurts? Let me know when you’re done. I can wait.
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to eat gluten again?”
Do I look like a doctor? I don’t know. I doubt it.
“How did you manage at your wedding?”
Very well actually. Turns out when you’re the bride, you get whatever the hell you want and so when I asked for gluten free profiteroles, you better believe I got gluten free profiteroles.
“You must struggle on holidays.”
Okay this is a fair enough thing to say. Sometimes it is hard when you go abroad, but you figure it out. I’ve found food cards online that are translated into many different languages and they explain your intolerance, whether it’s gluten, nuts, fish, whatever. When you go to a country that speaks your native language it is super easy. Most countries are really good for gluten free. New Zealand in particular was awesome!
“More and more people seem to be gluten free these days.”
Yeah go figure. It’s been around for a long time and only now is the food and recognition getting better. Go 21st Century!
“I tried a gluten free sandwich once and it was horrible.”
You know what that means don’t you? Don’t eat it again.
“There are so many gluten free recipes online, have you checked?”
Have I ever been on the internet? Is that what you’re asking? I didn’t know of it’s existence until right this minute. Let me just pop on and have a browse. How the heck do you think I’ve been getting all of my recipes?
“My (insert relative here) makes gluten free cakes.”
Great. Get them to make me one!
“Gluten free people seem to eat a lot of sweet stuff.”
It seems that way but it’s actually not true. Yes, there are a lot of sweet products to buy but we don’t all have a ginormous sweet tooth. I like savoury too.
“You must eat a lot of potato.”
I’m Irish, I did this anyway!